pop my collar

I assume everyone understands my stance on camaro's, mustangs, and popped collars. Usually the owners of such things are douchebags. I will however say the first two I have met cool people who own both the Camaro and Mustang and I do not hate. However majority=douchebag.

I have been cursed, with the fact that people seem to see me and tell me the most intimate details of their lives. Usually its break up information and I am always willing to lend an ear, however my advice is rarely taken.

The other day coming out of my very early morning class I see a gentleman that I went to HS with and occasionally talk with, and by occasionally I mean we speak every once in a while and its usually "Hows school, how did you do on the test. " I lent him my notes once and in other countries note lending= friends 4ever.

He sits down and asks me if I have a minute, im doing homework but I did promise my probation officer I would be nicer and so begins my story. I realize that I give a lot of background information but I dont care.

I find out that
1. She broke up with him and is now dating someone else, he found out on facebook.
2. He was apparently going to "drop a bill" (I dont understand did he want her to pay a bill of his?) on her because he is now working.
3. When they would go to restaurants they would always offer them "the best wine" because they looked so much older than they are. They would ask them 'hey are you guys 24 and 25. He would laugh, I hope not revealing his true age because apparently they were both underage during this wine festival.
4. She is a crazy bitch, BUT HE MISSES HER.
5. He would tell her she was fat, and she should work out. From my facebook detective work I find out she is on the volleyball team.

"You're fat, maybe you should work out, I work out, I can bench two times my weight, IM IN THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE (thanks bowflex) I mean maybe you should work out and then throw up and then work out again."

He asked me what he did and how he could fix it, and I wanted to yell YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG.

But I didnt. Instead I told him breakups take time and he should just give his heart time to heal.


Anyways entire time, he has his collar popped, I thought it was a mistake maybe in his grief he had forgotten how to wear a shirt but upon further examination I realized nope he likes to pop his collar.

And with that moment, I died a little on the inside.

Moral of the story? Dont pop your collar, oh and be a douchebag to your significant other.

dateline el paso!

Im pretty sure there is a crazy hobo woman who lives in the library. I know I shouldn't judge but every single time I come here (and lately I feel like I am at the library every day) I see her and she's always wearing the same thing. Part of me believes she isnt homeless but perhaps (and for some reason why do I feel like this is the better option) insane?

1. She has a half mullet/half dreadlocks. The top part is feathered and poofy the bottom part is ratted and dreadlocky, and I have no issues with dreads but these are awfffullll.

2. Always wearing a white business suit with torn panty hose and orthopedic shoes. Every. single. fucking. time.

3.Wears makeup but in excess, her foundation doesnt match. Think Tammy Faye, but on crack. Huge blotches of pink, its like how I felt watching Sarah Palin on the debates, someone blend her cheeks dammit.

I dont know if she's a hobo, or an insane math teacher. She always carries a suitcase and quite possibly is just an eccentric professor who is figuring out the speed of light or something smart. I want to high five her and then spray her with purell.

Dear Adam Brody,

Dear Adam Brody (Or to whom it may concern:)

My youngest (and only) sister has left for college, after repeated threats to move out of my house my mother offered the only thing she could, a new room. I was getting used to my dungeon, I had even timed my fan to hit me in all the right spots so that my body would not wither up if given the chance. Even though I have become accustomed to this death trap that I call home I was happy and ready to move onto cooler pastures.

Even though my sister has been at home for 18 years I for some reason (maybe ignorance, maybe bliss?) had ignored her walls. It wasn't until tonight on the eve of my revolution against my awful university* that I decided I was going to start the redecoration process. The first small step was to remove what was on her walls.

Thats when I noticed it, you, Adam Brody, Star of the once popular television mellowdrama the OC were plastered all over her walls. I had no idea you were so popular, is it your playful smile or your eyes that look straight into my soul, or was it the fact that you were cashing in on your boyhood charm that was now paying for your over priced yacht and house over looking the Hollywood Hills? Maybe someone the studio hired to only plump up your ego told you that you were hott, you were so hott that you needed to spell hott with two t's. They also told you that you should cash in on this phenomenon that is your face. Either way I had no idea that it was possible to have so many pictures of you in one place. I woke up this morning and scared the shit out of myself because I caught you staring at me. Either way your face (along with your career) is going in the same place I put my Davey Havok poster collection, in a box under my bed.

In my next installment of what the fuck were you thinking, I am going to be writing to Colin Farrell and the cast of High School Musical.

ARCNO**(give me a beat)

I know I know. It's been a long time since I have updated and my 7 or so readers have been complaining (not). I haven't found any reason to update even though there have been many hilarious moments in my life.

I started this summer looking for a job I put a good solid 2 weeks of effort, I was offered a few jobs but seeing as im lazy I turned a lot of things down. I was yelled at by principals and swindled by other people but my spirits were still high. After one eventful day I heard about a job for social activism. I immediately started thinking of how my autobiography would go..."For a while I was a social activist, I helped bring about change in third world countries while also bringing the gift of laughter to young impoverished children." Apparently though I was headed for the surprise of my lifetime when I actually became a social activist.

This organization is pretty well known, they have offices around the country and for the most part are a decent well thought out organization which fights for communities. ARCNO* started working with Project Election* which was supposed to register people to vote around different cities. The first meeting/ (job interview) they basically explained the entire process to us and to weed out anyone who really didn't want to do this. We were there for 3 hours and as the head of Project Election* had scared us by telling us we needed 20 voter registration cards or we'd be fired, we needed to be outgoing or we'd be fired, we needed to be heartless or we'd be fired... you get the drift. I should have taken that first warning sign and ran far far away.

So I went from social activist to canvaser. The first day I was really unprepared, I brought water and sunscreen and that was it. They gave me a clipboard, sent me with 3 other people to a seemingly safe part of town. The first few minutes of my new job were glorious! I ended up getting 2 people to register, after hearing horror stories of going hours without one person I felt as if I could do this job. Some people were nice and other people were assholes but I guess that was to be expected. The first day I ended up getting 15 voter registration cards with only 3 that were unusable. Which was pretty good, I came home burnt, with a bit of sun stroke but I was enthusiastic. To my horror the next day was the straw that broke the camels back.

I was prepared the next day to do better, I brought a backpack, I had everything you'd need to be a hobo in my city. Apparently because I was bilingual my boss thought it would be hilarious and productive if he sent me to the downtown bus station. I went with 2 other people and off we went. Within the first 20 minutes of work I was able to coax a young man into registering to vote, he told me with a stern face "IF I DONT GET MY FAVORITE SEAT ON THE BUS IM GOING TO BE REALLY ANGRY" so I hoped for my sake (and his) he got his god damn favorite seat. I encountered people who did not understand why they had to put a zip code. I would calmly explain that we needed a zip code to send the card in the mail but in my head I would wonder how exactly these people were surviving in society.

I then met an older gentleman who refused to register to vote. Seeing as im the type of person who wants to know why exactly one doesn't want to vote I pestered him for a hot minute. He saw my enthusiasm and decided to tell me exactly why he doesn't want to vote.
1. The government doesn't care about him.
-- He had the word GUILTY tattooed on his neck and said the government gave him a bad rap, he was being judged unfairly.
2. He had 3 felonies he wondered how many until you can't vote. I told him 1 felony wasn't enough but 3 was too many. Then I laughed nervously, because you should definitely make fun of a guy in a makeshift alleyway in the middle of the day when he out weighs you by 300 lbs.

However instead of making me into a fabulous skin suit he decided to ask about me and what I was doing with my life. I told him that I was still in school and hopefully going to law school. His eyes lit up and with a serious face he asks me if I would ever defend him (in case of course he wants to have 4 felonies, after 6 felonies you get a free hat) I told him sure but I wouldn't be a lawyer for a few years but to look me up. To which he wrote down my name and the next time he was in trouble he'd ask for me.

Most people would have ran but I decided of all the possibilities I could encounter by walking the streets with the cities most interesting people. Of course on the inside I was dying but I lied to myself and said I could do it.

I encountered many ex cons who would flash me a sly grin and say "sorry mami I have a record" and as unfortunate as this sounds, they all look the same, neck tattoos and a distaste for law enforcement. The best part of my job was the hobos, or as one of them said "in transition individuals". Surprisingly a lot of hobos had addresses...and drivers licenses...but thats another story. I did have a few "crazy hobos" tell me I was pretty and ask me if I'd like to go on a date with them. The thought crossed my mind I wont lie but unfortunately I denied most of their advances.

By the end of the day I was emotionally drained and definitely suffering from sun stroke. My asthma was acting up and when I enthusiastically told my mom about the awesome people I had encountered she had to talk me out of going back to work. I explained to her that the streets had called out my name and this was my calling she threw aloe vera on me and told me to go to bed.

Social activist one day, unemployed college student the next.


** names have been changed...because I don't want to get sued.

sushi, lou rawls, nipples

Last Thursday (as in 2 days ago) I went to my best friends workplace, and hung out with her and watched her close shop. She works in a hipster part of town but still sort of dangerous (I don't know if that adds onto the hipster points or subtracts) and we're convinced its mildly haunted.

I met one of the regular customers, a mild mannered 27 year old medical coder who had medium length white socks on and shorts I was not enamored like my counterpart was with his dorky white socks and adorable short stature.

As she coincidentally finished cleaning up early we decided to go and eat sushi because what else does one do after they finish working at a hipster coffee place. We went to "The sushi place" (actual name im not that clever) and it's this tiny adorable place by all the bars. Immediately I saw it was prime spot to take your date if you wanted to impress him or her. We sat down and noticed that there were hyenas everywhere. The table next to us had at least 15+ girls screeching/laughing/gossiping which if you combine that noise you get a hyena who is being murdered slowly. We figured out that the one with the headband was the culprit of the noise, the new goal was now to kill headband girl. We planned on throwing chopsticks at her until she settled down but we realized we'd be kicked out and trampled by her sidekick(s) so we tried to tune out the pack but it was hard. I was getting irritated because this tiny place could not hold the sound decibels these women were producing. I feared for my life because frankly the doors were glass, the sushi producing thingamabob was glass and the table, GLASS.

The other patrons were getting annoyed you heard a few well placed "SHHHHHHH's" and the girls would turn, and instantly you felt 500 beady eyes staring at you wondering what YOUR problem was. To distract from my potential problem I noticed the couple to the right of me was on the most awkward date. Luckily I know how to ease drop and I was listening to them talk. Let me describe the situation in further detail:

Guy was wearing a button down green? red? I don't know shirt and his khaki pants were nearly raised up to his knees, way past his ankles so I realized taper city when he stood up (I would have been past delight and into the point of ecstasy if they had been high waters) but unfortunately they hit the top of his shoes like clockwork. I think he had penny loafers on, I don't know what penny loafers are for guys except I know if I saw them id be screaming "oh hey virgin whats up you wanna buy me a Shirley temple?" His date looked like a college sorority delphinium phi she had this brown shirt on and RED JEANS. I am probably colorblind as I believe everything matches with black but bitch plz, red jeans? Really? Going past her outfit I realized the stuff coming out of her mouth was PRICELESS.
"You know when I graduate what am I going to do? I cant just pour coffee for the rest of my life, I mean yeah I could...I had to work up the ladder to get to the position I am at. It's really hard out there!"

Our food came, it was delicious, I cant use chopsticks I figured out how to do it incorrectly, we had miso soup which was also delicious "It tastes like the sea!"

All in all good night. I will leave everyone with words from my mentor: I know how to bust a move!

up the punx!

No me importa lo que
piensa la gente de mí
que si traigo el pelo
de alguna manera
porque me gusta traerlo asi
Que por qué escucho
ese tipo de música??
si es la que me gusta oir

Critican todo lo que ven en mí
inventan chismes que no son ciertos
Con quien hablo, con quién salgo,
con quién ando,
que te importa? es mi vida
si yo no le hago daño a nadie
quién eres tú para decirme
cómo vivir, quién eres tú?

Me vale lo que piensen,hablen de mí
es mi vida y yo soy asi,simón!!
me vale lo que piensen,hablen de mí
es mi vida y yo soy asi!

Chorus
Porque me vale vale vaale,
me vale todo
Me vale vale vaale,
me vale todo
si no me entienden o comprenden
pues ya ni modo!
porque me vale vale vaale
me vale todo

No puedes criticar algo
sin conocerlo primero
sere muy feo por afuera
pero muy bello por adentro
si eres una de esas personas
te tengo una solución
en vez de estar fregando
y molestandome asi
dedicate a encontrar
que esta mal en tí
por que...

Me vale lo que piensen
hablen de mí, es mi vida
y yo soy asi, simón!
Me vale lo que piensen,
hablen de mí, es mi vida
y yo soy asi por que...

Chorus-repeat

Mientras los reprimidos
andan aburridos
yo no ando, de jodido
no tengo broncas
porque soy yo mismo

Hablen lo que quieran...

qué piensa o murmura la gente de mi?
qué piensan los vecinos de mi?
qué piensan los maestros de mi?
qué piensa la autoridad de mí?
qué piensan mis padres de mí?
qué piensan mis suegros de mí?
qué piensa todo el mundo de mí?
Sólo tengo que decir:
me vaaaaaaaaleeee
me vaaaaaaaleee

ponganse al tanto
porque el mundo gira rápido
ponganse al tiro
o se quedarán atrás



The summer of badass is really turning out well.

ill keep the sun in my eyes, but i dont mind.

In accordance to never showing my face on this blog, Im showing my 5 or so readers how I spend my hard earned money. Im considering moving away soon, I need another city far far away, this one has recently become too small, everyone knows everyone and it's getting annoying. Hopefully I can go somewhere that will accept me for my sweet ink brah.*


* I hope this sweet ink will wash off my Wednesday when I have to work, lol.

beyond the gray sky

School is out for the summer. I finished my last final a few hours ago.

Summer of awesome has officially started!

Summer goals:
Learn to do this!

dear indie hipster sitting a few seats away from me,

dear indie hipster sitting a few seats away from me,

technology is allowing us to view each others libraries on itunes. for a moment i was embarrassed that you would see my disgusting amount of nortena music (it's my moms btw im too lazy to delete it) but then i saw that you have garth brooks so my embarrassment changed into shock and later disgust. you do have rage against the machine but no deftones so i dont know if our relationship can progress past the itunes stage. however, fortunately we share many similarities.

1. we both have greasy hair. i think yours is a fashion statement, mine however is being lazy/not having enough time to completely de-grease from last nights festivities (i know, gross)
2. we both sort of like the same music, you enjoy garth brooks and i enjoy juanes. theres no shame, just embrace it.
3. we're both greasy right now.


I know, we're meant for one another. Please reach me at this blog for further instructions.

-the girl with the greasy hair and better music taste.

p.s. can i borrow your 80s music cd?

smack smack

Cherry m&ms= SKITTLES
Chocolate Skittles=m&ms



The world no longer makes sense.

you're only 17

I should not assume that because cough syrup is purple it will taste like grape. A better assumption is that the older you get cough syrup will taste fucking awful regardless of color.


While googling this medicine I found out that 1. It has codeine and will loosen up the junk in my lungs
2. At higher doses, this medication may also cause light-headedness, drowsiness, slowed breathing, and an exaggerated sense of well-being.


Here's to 'trippin balls' lol.

the colt

Today I bought Anacin which is apparently caffeine+ aspirin!! So I am suppose to be hyper AND sans pain. As I spent 1.69 for four tiny pills of guaranteed greatness I did not bother to read the back which states:


DO NOT TAKE IF YOU HAVE ASTHMA. YOU WILL DIE!!!

Awesome.


/currently waiting impending death.

es la noche de sexo

Watching TV today for a brief moment I realized how disgusted I am with how relationships are portrayed. Why are women and men attracted to the assholes? This phenomenon has gotten to the point where the more women are put down and treated like shit, the greater the attraction is.

There are many theories as to why some women prefer the verbal abuse to a stress free environment.

1. He's not really an asshole, he's a nice guy in disguise.
Sorry ladies (and gentleman) an asshole is usually (surprise surprise) an asshole. There is no mask, in fact he is usually the only type of man who shows his true colors right away. Thank him for his honesty and save yourself the hassle. If the first time you meet him you are annoyed with something he has sad, disgusted at how he treats women, furious at his demeanor. DON'T STICK AROUND. This is a precursor to your life together. RUN AWAY! Don't look back, pat yourself on the back for avoiding this pitfall that is the number 1.

Type of people who are usually an up-front asshole.
1. Guidos

If you're with a guido, you have more problems then just him being an asshole.
2. Frat guys, anyone with a "popped collar"

If he has a trucker hat, RUN AWAY. If you do manage to ignore these warning signs, prepare to enjoy a life of keggers, ashton kutcher jokes and soulja boy.


2. I can change him! The intellectual asshole.
Usually confused with number 1's theory. No you can't change him. If anything you're going to turn into a bitter, angry women who will punish all men in the future for trying to change this man. He might not start off as an asshole, you met him in your political science class. If he was arguing with the professor, yawning and making jokes at the professors lecture then obviously, he is an asshole. Discussion is fine, but general talking just to hear yourself talk means you're a douchebag. Dating this type of asshole will usually mean he will degrade you in front of his friends for not understanding Homi Bhabha*. Just avoid him at all costs, you're probably smarter and he's going to graduate with a degree in philosophy, don't worry, there are tons of philosophy jobs available.

1. Type of men who are usually intellectual assholes
- Men who carry messenger bags, if they are leather, run away.
- They are taking only philosphy, some literature class they don't need and political science classes because they want to make a difference.


3. The music snob
This last type of asshole is the kind that looks like an asshole from the beginning. However he will not come up front and show his true colors. He is a sneaky bastard, usually pretending to be a tortured musician* or music lover who is misunderstood because of his tattoos and way of dressing. He's just waiting for the right kind of girl who will listen to his 12" knife fight* limited pressing and will appreciate his suave record collection. Any chance of holding onto your individuality is gone with this asshole, before you know it you'll be wearing band tees, shopping at American Apparel and have at least one state tattoo with a heart around your city. ALSO, art students whose music section is "broken social scene, camera obscura, cat power, feist, new order, explosions in the sky". RUN AWAY.

Type of men to avoid
1. If he's wearing a hatebreed hoodie, RUN AWAY. Same goes for bane,madball.
2.


*** Disclaimer, the third type of asshole isn't usually hardcore. This type of guy can usually be into any kind of music.


Women, you've had your warnings. Im not going to generalize and assume every guy who fits this bill is an asshole, but most are. Trust your instincts, if it feels weird and you have dozens of red flags going off in your head, believe them.

* no one really understands Homi Bhabha
* These pictures are just pictures, I dont know if any of them are really assholes I can only assume.

Brains! I want your brains!

I sometimes feel as if starting every blog with "I" is wrong HOWEVER, since this is mine I will hopefully start every post with I.

The Godfather has been said to be the greatest trilogy ever, I have decided that these people have not seen the greatest quadriology ever known to man.

RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD pts 1, 2, 3, 4

Part 1: The Return of the Living dead (1985)
This, is by most accounts the best and brightest of the quadriology. It has punk rock zombies, lethal gas and nakedness (but only for a moment.) The music is awesome and the special effects-phenomenal. Not to mention the soundtrack, AMAZING.

1. "Surfin' Dead" - The Cramps
2. "Party Time" - 45 Grave
3. "Nothing For You" - T.S.O.L.
4. "Eyes Without A Face" - The Flesh Eaters
5. "Burn The Flames" - Roky Erickson
6. "Dead Beat Dance" - The Damned
7. "Take A Walk" - Tall Boys
8. "Love Under Will" - Jet Black Berries
9. "Tonight (We'll Make Love Until We Die)" - SSQ
10. "Trash's Theme" - SSQ

random fact: Some of the zombie extras were paid more to eat real calf brains in the film. Dan O'Bannon didn't want the actors to do anything he wasn't willing to do and ate some raw calf brains first in front of them.


Part 2: Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988)
This movie sort of picks up where the other one left off, ideally set in the same "town". Some kids unearth the toxic gas which brings the dead back to life. These zombies are smart and apparently it takes a bulldozer to kill them, decapitation only makes the brain eating take longer. It sort of lacks in the lol's but definitely brings along the cheese. Also, if anyone notices they reuse the same two characters

Random fact: The telephone number 311-555-8674 printed on the zombie canisters was a real life number at the time of production. The line was reserved for "Non-emergency special applications".




Part 3: Return of the Living Dead III (1995)
So by this time you'd think that they would know this toxic gas is bad for the general wellbeing of the world, but once again, an army mishap brings along the laughs as a young man tries to bring back his dead lover because he was too stupid to learn that driving fast on a motorcycle= death. He pains to bring her back to life but is shocked when she turns into a zombie. Oh the horror.

Memorable quotes: Curt Reynolds: Julie, are you eating him? You should stop it.

Part 4: So apparently there are actually 5 movies from this series, however the last 2 are stupid and should not be mentioned.

motherfuckas

The last post I made I was complaining about a stupid truck who cut me off. Little did I know a few days later I would have walked away from one of the most awful accidents of my life.

I was in a head on collision a few days ago that I walked away from. It was awful, my friend (now sister for life)'s car was totaled and we unfortunately had to go in an ambulance to the hospital.

For a brief moment I thought I had died but then I remembered when you die, enya plays (I dont know if this is true but I'm assuming). Since I heard no enya I realized holy shit I am alive, and so is my friend. In the midst of the entire debacle that we were in we were lucky (and unlucky to be in that situation) that our ambulance emt guy was A FOX. I know in my state of shock I might overreact but if he had told me "hey do you want me to take advantage of you right now" I probably would have agreed wholeheartedly. Ann agreed also that he was gorgeous and I am still contemplating sending him a cookie cake. During the hospital ride apparently we kept asking a bunch of questions, I was a little miffed that we ended up getting the old guy, but he took good care of both of us.

We went to the hospital where Ann and I made a few more funnies to the hospital staff and I kept demanding to see Ann but in my debilitated state they gave me a shot of sweet sweet pain medicine that made me feel like dancing so I didn't get to see her till I was being discharged.

All in all, Ann and I have now become one person. One awfully cranky, bruised, burned, mean, HILARIOUS person. We are inseparable and invincible. I know most of my blog is a joke and filled with (what I believe) are funny parts of my life, but this is one post that will be 100 percent serious.

Wear your seatbelts, it saved our lives.


Blogger out.

Phat Lips

A few days ago I was driving to school, minding my own business singing along to Gogol Bordello when this hyped up over zealous white Ford 5150 with the balls hanging off of the back is suddenly speeding up and on its way to re-enacting a scene from (Ok I dont know any car movies where a gigantic stupid truck cuts off a mini van) but this asshole cut me off, and went out of his way to go over 80 in a section of road where the speed limit is 45. So as I am preparing to die an untimely fiery death a few things are running through my head:

1. Linkin Park is now playing, when the fire fighters come to get my mangled burnt but still adorable corpse out of the van are they going to think I am lame and then laugh at me.
2. Do I really want to die wearing this? I did not look cool that day.
3. I worked for 2 difficult weeks and I havent been paid yet, oh my god I worked for nothing those sons of bitches will have had free labor!
4. Does enya play when you die? I assume its something lame and flowy, anytime something sad happens they always go to enya.

And with that last thought I decided to live, however by this time the truck had passed me by and I was almost at school so the crisis was over.

But asshole, if you're reading this I hope you know that one day, a tough, yet sensual minivan is going to cut you off motherfucker. (expletives necessary for visual)

electronic with a salsa beat and 3 keyboards

Yesterday at work I had to monitor the halls while the kids took the TAKS test, They had from 830 in the morning to 230 in the afternoon to finish this exam. During that time they wanted me to stand out there and escort kids to the bathroom because TAKS= serious business. I was doing alright for the first hour and a half, I calculated how many cartwheels I'd be able to do down the long hallway (at least 10 but if I started correctly definitely 14-15) and I started thinking about what color I should dye my hair. Then I started planning my life and then I worried when I realized I was 21 and still in college, I can pretty much give myself a quarter life crisis any day of the week when I really try.

Around 10 am I had finally calmed down and wasn't really worried about my life or how it hasn't really started so then of course, as if on schedule I started to worry and initially have a mini panic attack. Is this what prison is like? I'm sure in prison they aren't confined to 3 feet and made to sit down every single time you got close to walking a bit PAST the hall, by the evil Social Studies teacher who has been there for 57 years. At least in prison you get to have fights and get awesome prison tats (I want my last name in old english covered with cry now/laugh later faces.) Actually I think prison would be worse but it took all my strength not to walk down the stairs and run for freedom, to frolick in the grass and then die a little because it's allergy season.

I've been having extremely vivid dreams lately, I wonder if they are some sort of omen? I guess I should be worried, in most of the dreams they are showing me ALMOST die which makes me sad cause each way is really lame and I really doubt I'm going to be eaten by sharks or be trampled at a Hanson concert. Oh god I could be trampled at a Hanson concert they are popping up everywhere.

I miss my youth.

TEASE

So I guess to most of my friends, family, ex lovers, etc. It is a huge shock that I myself am a "girly girl" I don't like to get dirty, and even though I dress like a truck stop lesbian*, I myself love makeup. So when I heard that they were opening up a Sephora here, I obviously jumped up for joy and immediately knew what I would be spending my paychecks on. So yesterday I decided to make my trek to Sephora. I have no other way of describing this eloquently but I will just say "WOW IT SUCKED".

Alright, I understood from the beginning that having a Sephora in a JC Penny would mean it wouldn't be an individual store and it would be inside of a Jc Penny. I was suprised to find that this store was sized to what I would assume would be a Sephora inside of a prison. Yes, its necessary I give everyone that horrifying image. As soon as I stepped inside I turned my face of horror into a fake smile and walked in. The first thing I am greeted with is this spider mascara Tammy Faye admirer who is using her tarantula fingers to take out what I would hope would be dinner from her monstrosity that she calls a mouth. I told myself to hurry up, go what you went there for and to leave quickly as not to wake up the beast (of course.)

So I walk to the Blared Minerals* area and then I realize that I myself have a question. I begin to wonder if I'm just intrigued with the people that work there or if I have a serious question. Well it turns out, they ran out of my color and since I believe that color was all wrong for me I decide to ask Tammy Faye which color I should use. She sort of stares blankly at me wondering why I would interrupt her hourly grooming ritual when she turns and realizes she is standing by the makeup and instantly the lightbulb goes on, and she realizes how she has to answer the question. Before I gave her the benefit of the doubt of showing me her all knowing makeup knowledge I have answered my own question and am walking around trying to find my mother who I can only assume has been devoured by one of the employees.

Finally, I see my mom who is amazed by the colors of the Durban Uecay* and is chatting up with some women who and this is the scary part so if you're under 18 or scare easily or have a heart condition, pregnant, recently came out, etc. Please turn away.

She takes the makeup tester and puts it directly on her eye. I'm sure the few guys who read this are wondering "What's the big deal?" Well let me tell you, its a huge deal. This is how communicable diseases are spread. This is why there are tiny little sticks where you can try on the makeup. This is why I started to cry a little bit and when she asked my mom and I if her metallic blue color looked good I enthusiastically said YES, YES AWESOME. Immediately I wanted to run away and read up about pink eye because obviously this is how it starts.

Finally I was done, with a sad amount of makeup and a better understanding of why I buy makeup I haven't tried out yet.
Oi vey.

*Obviously I am joking, I dont even own flannel.
*Names have been changed to protect the companies.



RIP BB GIRL.

we drink to die, we drink tonight.

Dear, Harvey Danger (singer not the rest of you fools), all of Eve 6 (everyone BUT the singer), Skee-Lo, all of ACE OF BASE, the 15 members of Chumbawumba and finally, all of Marcy's Playground, Coolio, The Venga Boys, Blind Melon.

Please live in my living room and play your sweet nectar of music whenever I'm sad, or bored. I'm the only one who would appreciate you and really love your sweet 90s awesomeness.


Love you.

p.s.

When war is in your blood, killing becomes as easy as breathing- RAMBO.

Confession: I work with an underground street fighter.

Truthfully I believed that underground street fighting only existed in Jean Claude Van Damyouarelame movies. However as I soon found out there is a vast world filled with underground street fighting (how many times can I say that phrase in a sentence so far, 3) its a dangerous life and only the strong survive. Before I tell the tale of Mr. *Barry Schmelly I should mention where I work.

I'm a tutor, at a middle school. Barry is a special aid teacher who casually mentioned in passing that he used to be an underground street fighter. Obviously being the type of person I am I instantly felt he was the most amazing person in the entire world, and somehow he managed to surpass amazing and turn into legendary when he tells my coworkers and I that he began his street fighting career by fighting bums. Yes, bum fights.



Apparently in the underground fighting league, you start out by fighting bums. I don't know if this is common practice in all underground street fighting leagues. Also I assume there are leagues, like soccer leagues, but with fighters. Anyways so as Barry is telling us the lie that is his life he mentions that not only was he made to fight bums but there were many fights that he had to fight to the death. While he is spewing these lies out of his mouth I am obviously more concerned with the most important detail. The uniform. What did he have to wear? I mean is it a requirement to dress Jean Claude? Does wearing Mc Hammer pants make you a better fighter? Also, is there music? Do you get to pick music? I think the most obvious choice to music is the Mortal Kombat theme song. You know which one 'MORTALLLLLLLLLLLLL KOMBAT' because if you're fighting underground to the death you want to feel like a bad ass. Sure you could pick something else but would you really feel like a badass? No, I didnt think so especially if you're wearing this.



*Barry Schmelly is the name he went by during his Underground Fighting days.

Prison sex, math problems, and college walk ons.

I wish I could tell my "crush" how I really felt. That the world stops when he steps into the room, or that he makes my heart skip a beat everytime he tells me a bad joke. Actually im kidding, I dont think I will ever like someone enough to really be that lame. I really wish I could tell someone how I felt and for it to not be awkward. I rarely have feelings that I would like to pursue so why can't I tell him, enjoy a good hearty laugh and then maybe some sort of make out session? Its purely physical! My crushes last mere minutes and the fact that I have been interested in someone for over a week is making me nervous. Am I losing my cold heart and sailors mouth? Tomorrow is singles awareness day, the only thing I am aware of is the fact that
1. I really like to be alone
2. Candy is going to be 50% off on FRIDAY.
3. I am saving so much money by being single.

I remember in elementary school we were required to bring enough valentines for the entire class. So everyone got one, even the weird kid. Everyone had a weird kid. Our weird kid ate his own boogers (I mean yeah when you're 8 everyone enjoys to dig for gold but we all ate our boogers alone in the privacy and comfort of our room) and when he would sneeze he emulated an old man. He would take out this huge handkerchief and so much mucus would come pouring out. I dont know what he did or where he kept it but every day after lunch it was mucus central. I kind of wonder what ever happened to him. More so I wonder if I was the weird kid. And if I wasn't the weird kid, have I evolved into the weird kid?

At work I somehow spilled that I used to write erotic short stories to pass the time. Yes it was a passing phase but I still have a folder somewhere where I talk about Ramon the sexy x ray tech who somehow always had a quivering member (and other such adjectives to describe the male anatomy). I could go on and on about the things I like to do when I'm alone (from writing out the list of things I'd do if I ruled the world, to choreographing my own hip hop routine when I am in the shower) but I wont.

Actually, I think I will finish my hip hop routine.

Jazz fingers, and I'm out.

Crush/ clueless/ meat popsicle

I unfortunately (not really) told my secret (not so secret to my friends) crush about this blog. If you're reading this, it's not about you its about you. My unrequited puppy dog crush is almost debilitating because I have realized that I am human. I am no longer this steel cage where no emotions escape and only the strong survive. I have to come to grips with the fact that I have feelings and these feelings are telling me to have a crush. It unfortunately makes my every day life difficult to deal with. I have infiltrated the subject and am approaching most of this crush like I would a math problem, (awkwardly, and with a lot of erasing.) I do beg the few friends that read this to not awkwardly shout his name in the comments because with that I will be forced to tell Ted Leo you hid is tofu sandwich in between your meat Popsicles. Yes I'd go there.

Today while on the way to school with Danielle I realized that I am lame. I really like 90s music, and most 80s music as well. I have no shame and neither should you. These decades are filled with real gems. I think the more awkward the song now, the better it is in retrospect. For instance, the entire Clueless soundtrack. Actually the whole movie, soundtrack and all is AMAZING. I yearned as a young child to look like Cher and hoped I myself could fall in love with Paul Rudd. Actually I still hope one day Paul Rudd will fall in love with me. My fashion sense might have changed but hey, one day metallic doc martens may make a come back. Here's to hoping.

I should be studying for a test, if you read this Danielle. I took a mental break.

Cro Mags will kill you twice.

So a few days ago I had a in depth conversation with my friend Diego about bands that look like (and probably could) kill you. We immediately came up with a concurrent list of bands that obviously would eat you for breakfast.
1. Drop Kick Murphys (Danielle says: Drop Kick Murphys will dropkick you in your heart and in your face)
2. Cro Mags- This was Diego's suggestion. I found out that during their movie TWO people became paraplegics. Thats tougher than Leif Garrets VHI Behind the Music.
3. True Sounds of Liberty. I think the average height for that band is 7 feet 9 inches. They will eat you.
4. Agnostic Front- do not let the fact that they sell thongs with their name super imposed on the crotch fool you. They will kill you, and not with kindness.
5. Frank Iero from My Chemical Romance- I know this seems unlikely but I quote "He will break a bottle over your head if he feels threatened."
6.TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS. I will quote Diego "beneath his rosy vegan exterior lurks an evil mastermind. you have been warned". Honestly the last person you want to mess with is a vegan, they are hungry, cranky little people who will bench press you with one hand and crush you with the other.



HE WILL CRUSH YOU.


/ end post.

meow mix meow mix please deliver

A few days ago I was confronted with the fact that I might be a jerk. I usually enjoy eating lunch by myself not just because im a social outcast but more so for the sheer fact that I like to surf the internet and read for my classes. I can't really do that when there are people surrounding me. Its not to say I don't enjoy the typical random person sitting with me or seeing an old friend and sequestering them for an hour.

Back to my story, so I'm walking into the Union when I see *RJ. Now *RJ I met last semester in a romantic literature class. One day I was casually ditching my math class and finishing up a paper due later in the day when he immediately sat down, admired my Animal Collective shirt and began to bother me for at least an hour. He didn't even leave when I took out my headphones and slowly sank down into my chair. I usually try to be cordial to the people I have for class especially when its the beginning of the semester. Im all for talking but this guy always chose the wrong times to speak to me and every time we'd talk he'd go into these long winded rants about the weirdest things. For example, one time he told me that if you flick the head of an erect penis it will no longer be erect. You might think no sane person starts a conversation that way but he did.

So obviously *RJ and I have this awkward relationship, by awkward I mean I avoid him at all costs and when I do see him I am usually "late" for something important. Anyways, so Im casually walking into the union about to buy a drink for lunch when I see RJ . Hopeful that I can avoid him I slowly but swiftly walk away into the crowd of people and grab a table in the back put on my headphones and pretend to do work. When out of nowhere RJ sees me, starts talking and when he sees I will not take off my headphones he makes the universal "take off your headphones I want to talk to you" sign. So I do and he asks if he can sit down (even though he's already sitting) and immediately starts to go on and on about his day. So somehow he gets into this conversation with himself about politics and he starts off with this long winded speech about how no one cares about politics because they don't really matter. During this entire speech all I can do is sing the Meow Mix Song.

So Im halfway through the second verse when he stops talking looks me straight in the eye and asks the crucial question "Do you get what I'm saying" at this point he could be talking about some sort of sex change he's contemplating and all I can say for sake of conversation is "Yes, sure, sounds like a great idea dude."


So now im left wondering what he actually said and wondering why in all the songs I could have sang or thought about, the only one that popped up is the Meow Mix song.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent
* He really is as annoying as he sounds