TEASE

So I guess to most of my friends, family, ex lovers, etc. It is a huge shock that I myself am a "girly girl" I don't like to get dirty, and even though I dress like a truck stop lesbian*, I myself love makeup. So when I heard that they were opening up a Sephora here, I obviously jumped up for joy and immediately knew what I would be spending my paychecks on. So yesterday I decided to make my trek to Sephora. I have no other way of describing this eloquently but I will just say "WOW IT SUCKED".

Alright, I understood from the beginning that having a Sephora in a JC Penny would mean it wouldn't be an individual store and it would be inside of a Jc Penny. I was suprised to find that this store was sized to what I would assume would be a Sephora inside of a prison. Yes, its necessary I give everyone that horrifying image. As soon as I stepped inside I turned my face of horror into a fake smile and walked in. The first thing I am greeted with is this spider mascara Tammy Faye admirer who is using her tarantula fingers to take out what I would hope would be dinner from her monstrosity that she calls a mouth. I told myself to hurry up, go what you went there for and to leave quickly as not to wake up the beast (of course.)

So I walk to the Blared Minerals* area and then I realize that I myself have a question. I begin to wonder if I'm just intrigued with the people that work there or if I have a serious question. Well it turns out, they ran out of my color and since I believe that color was all wrong for me I decide to ask Tammy Faye which color I should use. She sort of stares blankly at me wondering why I would interrupt her hourly grooming ritual when she turns and realizes she is standing by the makeup and instantly the lightbulb goes on, and she realizes how she has to answer the question. Before I gave her the benefit of the doubt of showing me her all knowing makeup knowledge I have answered my own question and am walking around trying to find my mother who I can only assume has been devoured by one of the employees.

Finally, I see my mom who is amazed by the colors of the Durban Uecay* and is chatting up with some women who and this is the scary part so if you're under 18 or scare easily or have a heart condition, pregnant, recently came out, etc. Please turn away.

She takes the makeup tester and puts it directly on her eye. I'm sure the few guys who read this are wondering "What's the big deal?" Well let me tell you, its a huge deal. This is how communicable diseases are spread. This is why there are tiny little sticks where you can try on the makeup. This is why I started to cry a little bit and when she asked my mom and I if her metallic blue color looked good I enthusiastically said YES, YES AWESOME. Immediately I wanted to run away and read up about pink eye because obviously this is how it starts.

Finally I was done, with a sad amount of makeup and a better understanding of why I buy makeup I haven't tried out yet.
Oi vey.

*Obviously I am joking, I dont even own flannel.
*Names have been changed to protect the companies.



RIP BB GIRL.

we drink to die, we drink tonight.

Dear, Harvey Danger (singer not the rest of you fools), all of Eve 6 (everyone BUT the singer), Skee-Lo, all of ACE OF BASE, the 15 members of Chumbawumba and finally, all of Marcy's Playground, Coolio, The Venga Boys, Blind Melon.

Please live in my living room and play your sweet nectar of music whenever I'm sad, or bored. I'm the only one who would appreciate you and really love your sweet 90s awesomeness.


Love you.

p.s.

When war is in your blood, killing becomes as easy as breathing- RAMBO.

Confession: I work with an underground street fighter.

Truthfully I believed that underground street fighting only existed in Jean Claude Van Damyouarelame movies. However as I soon found out there is a vast world filled with underground street fighting (how many times can I say that phrase in a sentence so far, 3) its a dangerous life and only the strong survive. Before I tell the tale of Mr. *Barry Schmelly I should mention where I work.

I'm a tutor, at a middle school. Barry is a special aid teacher who casually mentioned in passing that he used to be an underground street fighter. Obviously being the type of person I am I instantly felt he was the most amazing person in the entire world, and somehow he managed to surpass amazing and turn into legendary when he tells my coworkers and I that he began his street fighting career by fighting bums. Yes, bum fights.



Apparently in the underground fighting league, you start out by fighting bums. I don't know if this is common practice in all underground street fighting leagues. Also I assume there are leagues, like soccer leagues, but with fighters. Anyways so as Barry is telling us the lie that is his life he mentions that not only was he made to fight bums but there were many fights that he had to fight to the death. While he is spewing these lies out of his mouth I am obviously more concerned with the most important detail. The uniform. What did he have to wear? I mean is it a requirement to dress Jean Claude? Does wearing Mc Hammer pants make you a better fighter? Also, is there music? Do you get to pick music? I think the most obvious choice to music is the Mortal Kombat theme song. You know which one 'MORTALLLLLLLLLLLLL KOMBAT' because if you're fighting underground to the death you want to feel like a bad ass. Sure you could pick something else but would you really feel like a badass? No, I didnt think so especially if you're wearing this.



*Barry Schmelly is the name he went by during his Underground Fighting days.

Prison sex, math problems, and college walk ons.

I wish I could tell my "crush" how I really felt. That the world stops when he steps into the room, or that he makes my heart skip a beat everytime he tells me a bad joke. Actually im kidding, I dont think I will ever like someone enough to really be that lame. I really wish I could tell someone how I felt and for it to not be awkward. I rarely have feelings that I would like to pursue so why can't I tell him, enjoy a good hearty laugh and then maybe some sort of make out session? Its purely physical! My crushes last mere minutes and the fact that I have been interested in someone for over a week is making me nervous. Am I losing my cold heart and sailors mouth? Tomorrow is singles awareness day, the only thing I am aware of is the fact that
1. I really like to be alone
2. Candy is going to be 50% off on FRIDAY.
3. I am saving so much money by being single.

I remember in elementary school we were required to bring enough valentines for the entire class. So everyone got one, even the weird kid. Everyone had a weird kid. Our weird kid ate his own boogers (I mean yeah when you're 8 everyone enjoys to dig for gold but we all ate our boogers alone in the privacy and comfort of our room) and when he would sneeze he emulated an old man. He would take out this huge handkerchief and so much mucus would come pouring out. I dont know what he did or where he kept it but every day after lunch it was mucus central. I kind of wonder what ever happened to him. More so I wonder if I was the weird kid. And if I wasn't the weird kid, have I evolved into the weird kid?

At work I somehow spilled that I used to write erotic short stories to pass the time. Yes it was a passing phase but I still have a folder somewhere where I talk about Ramon the sexy x ray tech who somehow always had a quivering member (and other such adjectives to describe the male anatomy). I could go on and on about the things I like to do when I'm alone (from writing out the list of things I'd do if I ruled the world, to choreographing my own hip hop routine when I am in the shower) but I wont.

Actually, I think I will finish my hip hop routine.

Jazz fingers, and I'm out.

Crush/ clueless/ meat popsicle

I unfortunately (not really) told my secret (not so secret to my friends) crush about this blog. If you're reading this, it's not about you its about you. My unrequited puppy dog crush is almost debilitating because I have realized that I am human. I am no longer this steel cage where no emotions escape and only the strong survive. I have to come to grips with the fact that I have feelings and these feelings are telling me to have a crush. It unfortunately makes my every day life difficult to deal with. I have infiltrated the subject and am approaching most of this crush like I would a math problem, (awkwardly, and with a lot of erasing.) I do beg the few friends that read this to not awkwardly shout his name in the comments because with that I will be forced to tell Ted Leo you hid is tofu sandwich in between your meat Popsicles. Yes I'd go there.

Today while on the way to school with Danielle I realized that I am lame. I really like 90s music, and most 80s music as well. I have no shame and neither should you. These decades are filled with real gems. I think the more awkward the song now, the better it is in retrospect. For instance, the entire Clueless soundtrack. Actually the whole movie, soundtrack and all is AMAZING. I yearned as a young child to look like Cher and hoped I myself could fall in love with Paul Rudd. Actually I still hope one day Paul Rudd will fall in love with me. My fashion sense might have changed but hey, one day metallic doc martens may make a come back. Here's to hoping.

I should be studying for a test, if you read this Danielle. I took a mental break.

Cro Mags will kill you twice.

So a few days ago I had a in depth conversation with my friend Diego about bands that look like (and probably could) kill you. We immediately came up with a concurrent list of bands that obviously would eat you for breakfast.
1. Drop Kick Murphys (Danielle says: Drop Kick Murphys will dropkick you in your heart and in your face)
2. Cro Mags- This was Diego's suggestion. I found out that during their movie TWO people became paraplegics. Thats tougher than Leif Garrets VHI Behind the Music.
3. True Sounds of Liberty. I think the average height for that band is 7 feet 9 inches. They will eat you.
4. Agnostic Front- do not let the fact that they sell thongs with their name super imposed on the crotch fool you. They will kill you, and not with kindness.
5. Frank Iero from My Chemical Romance- I know this seems unlikely but I quote "He will break a bottle over your head if he feels threatened."
6.TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS. I will quote Diego "beneath his rosy vegan exterior lurks an evil mastermind. you have been warned". Honestly the last person you want to mess with is a vegan, they are hungry, cranky little people who will bench press you with one hand and crush you with the other.



HE WILL CRUSH YOU.


/ end post.

meow mix meow mix please deliver

A few days ago I was confronted with the fact that I might be a jerk. I usually enjoy eating lunch by myself not just because im a social outcast but more so for the sheer fact that I like to surf the internet and read for my classes. I can't really do that when there are people surrounding me. Its not to say I don't enjoy the typical random person sitting with me or seeing an old friend and sequestering them for an hour.

Back to my story, so I'm walking into the Union when I see *RJ. Now *RJ I met last semester in a romantic literature class. One day I was casually ditching my math class and finishing up a paper due later in the day when he immediately sat down, admired my Animal Collective shirt and began to bother me for at least an hour. He didn't even leave when I took out my headphones and slowly sank down into my chair. I usually try to be cordial to the people I have for class especially when its the beginning of the semester. Im all for talking but this guy always chose the wrong times to speak to me and every time we'd talk he'd go into these long winded rants about the weirdest things. For example, one time he told me that if you flick the head of an erect penis it will no longer be erect. You might think no sane person starts a conversation that way but he did.

So obviously *RJ and I have this awkward relationship, by awkward I mean I avoid him at all costs and when I do see him I am usually "late" for something important. Anyways, so Im casually walking into the union about to buy a drink for lunch when I see RJ . Hopeful that I can avoid him I slowly but swiftly walk away into the crowd of people and grab a table in the back put on my headphones and pretend to do work. When out of nowhere RJ sees me, starts talking and when he sees I will not take off my headphones he makes the universal "take off your headphones I want to talk to you" sign. So I do and he asks if he can sit down (even though he's already sitting) and immediately starts to go on and on about his day. So somehow he gets into this conversation with himself about politics and he starts off with this long winded speech about how no one cares about politics because they don't really matter. During this entire speech all I can do is sing the Meow Mix Song.

So Im halfway through the second verse when he stops talking looks me straight in the eye and asks the crucial question "Do you get what I'm saying" at this point he could be talking about some sort of sex change he's contemplating and all I can say for sake of conversation is "Yes, sure, sounds like a great idea dude."


So now im left wondering what he actually said and wondering why in all the songs I could have sang or thought about, the only one that popped up is the Meow Mix song.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent
* He really is as annoying as he sounds