TEASE

So I guess to most of my friends, family, ex lovers, etc. It is a huge shock that I myself am a "girly girl" I don't like to get dirty, and even though I dress like a truck stop lesbian*, I myself love makeup. So when I heard that they were opening up a Sephora here, I obviously jumped up for joy and immediately knew what I would be spending my paychecks on. So yesterday I decided to make my trek to Sephora. I have no other way of describing this eloquently but I will just say "WOW IT SUCKED".

Alright, I understood from the beginning that having a Sephora in a JC Penny would mean it wouldn't be an individual store and it would be inside of a Jc Penny. I was suprised to find that this store was sized to what I would assume would be a Sephora inside of a prison. Yes, its necessary I give everyone that horrifying image. As soon as I stepped inside I turned my face of horror into a fake smile and walked in. The first thing I am greeted with is this spider mascara Tammy Faye admirer who is using her tarantula fingers to take out what I would hope would be dinner from her monstrosity that she calls a mouth. I told myself to hurry up, go what you went there for and to leave quickly as not to wake up the beast (of course.)

So I walk to the Blared Minerals* area and then I realize that I myself have a question. I begin to wonder if I'm just intrigued with the people that work there or if I have a serious question. Well it turns out, they ran out of my color and since I believe that color was all wrong for me I decide to ask Tammy Faye which color I should use. She sort of stares blankly at me wondering why I would interrupt her hourly grooming ritual when she turns and realizes she is standing by the makeup and instantly the lightbulb goes on, and she realizes how she has to answer the question. Before I gave her the benefit of the doubt of showing me her all knowing makeup knowledge I have answered my own question and am walking around trying to find my mother who I can only assume has been devoured by one of the employees.

Finally, I see my mom who is amazed by the colors of the Durban Uecay* and is chatting up with some women who and this is the scary part so if you're under 18 or scare easily or have a heart condition, pregnant, recently came out, etc. Please turn away.

She takes the makeup tester and puts it directly on her eye. I'm sure the few guys who read this are wondering "What's the big deal?" Well let me tell you, its a huge deal. This is how communicable diseases are spread. This is why there are tiny little sticks where you can try on the makeup. This is why I started to cry a little bit and when she asked my mom and I if her metallic blue color looked good I enthusiastically said YES, YES AWESOME. Immediately I wanted to run away and read up about pink eye because obviously this is how it starts.

Finally I was done, with a sad amount of makeup and a better understanding of why I buy makeup I haven't tried out yet.
Oi vey.

*Obviously I am joking, I dont even own flannel.
*Names have been changed to protect the companies.



RIP BB GIRL.